


The Power The Dark Lord Knows Not Is...

by BeastOfTheSea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Horcruxes, Humor, I can at least swear to you that you have never seen the last one before, Intelligent!Harry, Loopholes, Parody, lateral thinking, non-cliched, terrible I say, terrible misuse of magic, unconventional use of force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 06:10:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeastOfTheSea/pseuds/BeastOfTheSea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five different takes on “the power Voldemort knew not”. None of them are "love".</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Power The Dark Lord Knows Not Is...

_1\. Muggle Weaponry_

“Look, I admit I may have used a few too many tons of TNT,” Harry said to the crowd gathered in front of the smoking remains of Malfoy Manor. “Wasn’t sure how much a Shield Charm or fifteen could block, though.”

“Er – but what about the Horcruxes?” Neville asked.

“ _Accio pieces-of-matter-that-used-to-be-Voldemort_ ,” Hermione chanted, and a pile of ash, metal, and chunks of snake swirled into existence at her feet. Harry looked at the heap, then turned to the assembled witches and wizards and shrugged. 

“Does that look like it can be magically repaired to you?”

* * *

_2\. Dementors_

_You promised you would feed us souls if we sided with you over the Dark Lord!_ the Dementors hissed in unison. 

“What, the Inner Circle members and seven chunks of Dark Lord didn’t count as ‘souls’ to you?” Harry said dismissively, herding them towards Azkaban with his Patronus as several Dumbledore’s Army members did likewise with theirs. “Here’s a tip – next time you make a deal with someone, try asking how _many_ souls they intend to feed you.”

* * *

_3\. The Veil_

“One – and two – and _three!_ ”

With a heave, the Unspeakables hurled the immobilized Dark Lord into the Veil; there was an eerie rustling as his body sailed through, and then an indistinct chatter of many enraged and vengeful voices, and then a long, drawn-out wail, very faint, as though heard from very far off – and then silence.

Harry made an obscene gesture in the direction of the grey curtain as the Unspeakables headed away to file the appropriate paperwork and report the events of the last day to the outside world. “And _that_ for all your Horcruxes and brilliant plans, you cracked wanker.” 

* * *

_4\. Sequence Breaking_

The last remains of Lord Voldemort thrashed and screamed within the demonic flames, but soon, even that stilled. Harry softly incanted the spell to extinguish the Fiendfyre, then turned to Hermione and Ron and nodded. “It’s done, then.”

“But – look, I _still_ don’t get it,” Ron said with a frown. “What about the Horcruxes? Wasn’t that what this whole quest was about? Why d’you think he isn’t going to pop back up next year in June, looking a bit crispy and bloody pissed-off?”

“What part of _completely destroyed_ don’t you –” Harry began, but Hermione cut in. “You see, Ron,” she said, “I noticed something a bit funny about a description of Fiendfyre when I was researching ways to destroy the Horcruxes. It said that it destroyed any victim ‘body and soul’. I thought it was just dramatic nonsense, of course, but Harry insisted that I take a look into it–”

“Yeah, I got that part. That’s why we were going to use it on the Horcruxes. But how’s that supposed to help with Voldemort? Wasn’t he protected from complete destruction by those things?”

Harry aimed an unpleasant smile at the charred clearing where not even ashes remained. “Yeah,” he said quietly, “yeah, he was – if you thought that his _connections_ to those pieces of soul couldn’t be completely destroyed. Voldemort and Dumbledore must have thought so –”

“-but they thought wrong,” Ron breathed. His eyes blinked rapidly as he stared at the clearing, taking in anew what it meant. “Bloody _Hell_. That’s _brilliant_.”  

“We do still have to track down the Horcruxes and destroy them, lest one of them pull a stunt like the diary did with the Chamber of Secrets,” Harry said, tucking his wand back into his holster. “But now – now, I figure, we’ve got all the time in the world to do it.” 

* * *

_5\. Gilderoy Lockhart_

“Yes, yes, I know you do adore me, Bellatrix,” the new Dark Lord said with a charming smile, pushing her away from him with one perfectly-manicured hand. “But really now, you mustn’t get so affectionate in public. After all, these plebians aren’t worthy of witnessing our love.”

As she swooned like a schoolgirl, Voldemort hastened up to the new Dark Lord with a pad of paper and quill in hand. “Lord Lockhart, Lord Lockhart, can I have your autograph –”

“In due time, Tommy boy! A Dark Lord of _my_ stature is always so busy, and I’m afraid I can’t get back to all my adoring followers right away. That’s why I’ve decided we’re all moving to Australia next month, in fact – to get away from all this silly bother, and go find a nice place in the Outback away from all these little people – Lucy dearie has already agreed to pay for it all, nicest man, you’d hardly guess he was a Malfoy –”

As Harry’s group stood transfixed by horror, Hermione at last managed to tear her gaze away from the spectacle. “My God,” she whispered, “what have we done?”

“We’ve, er, neutralized Voldemort for good,” Harry said. “I think.”

“Are we sure this wasn’t worse than the alternative?” Ron asked as Alecto and Amycus Carrow began to sing a duet dedicated to the glory of their Lord (who hastily ordered them to stop, making excuses about his modesty as he kept both hands clamped over his ears).

“I thought you planned to use my only vial of the _excruciatingly_ rare, delicate, and expensive Sanity-Restoring Potion on the Longbottoms, not on _that_ nincompoop,” Snape hissed, pointing at the restored Lockhart. “I’d have poisoned his medications myself if I had thought there was any chance of his idiocy polluting the world again!”

Harry sighed. “I was desperate, all right? And he seems to have pulled it off. Look,” he said irritably as Snape opened his mouth again, “can you _honestly_ tell me you think Lockhart poses any threat as the new Dark Lord? _Honestly_?”

Snape shut his mouth.

“That’s what I thought. Now, how about we get out of here before he decides to start ‘thanking’ us with lifetime non-cancelable subscriptions to the Lord Lockhart Newsletter?”


End file.
